Sam peered out his kitchen window. It looked cold; painfully cold. He watched as the belting wind terrorized the pedestrians below; everyday they fought the same battle. Winter refused to die an honourable death this year, and its icy claws continued to harass its victims. He shook his head in objection, standing defiant in his heated apartment, and took another sip of his coffee.  “Why can’t summer reign all year round?” He wondered.

Sam opened the daily newspaper and, as was his morning routine for the past three months, scanned through the job classifies section. He sighed. “What happened to all my joy?” Sam wondered. “What happened to my life?”

Sam looked heavenward; he clenched his eyes tightly and groaned. He felt alone. Helpless and frustrated, he lamented out loud, “What have I done wrong to deserve this?” Suddenly, and to his dismay,  he heard a man’s voice behind him parrot his outcry, “What have I done to deserve this?” the voice continued “A wonderful example of the present perfect tense, well done Sam!”

That voice! He remembered that voice, but that voice belonged in his dream, and this moment was certainly not a dream. The people on the street who were being attacked by the grizzly jaws of winter were real, the two large, strong coffees he had just drunk were real; his pain was real. The table he was sitting at was real, everything around him was real; but that voice? How can that voice be real?

Sam was stupefied, His eyes imploding; his heart racing; his mind momentarily stunned and incapable of formulating a plan of action. His body parts simply refused to cooperate. Once again the man behind him spoke, offering a gentle suggestion: “Breathe, my boy” the voice repeated, “Don’t forget to breathe”. It was as if Sam’s mind, momentarily stunned and disoriented, regained its commanding ability, and talking hold of those very words, Sam began to breathe.

“So, are you ready for your first lesson?” The voice behind him asked. Sam still couldn’t bring himself to turn around, but after a few moments he did muster up the strength to respond, “First lesson?” his speech cracked and strained, “What kind of first lesson are you talking about?” he asked. The voice behind him responded: “Your first grammar lesson of course; just like I promised you last night!”

Sam’s knees suddenly went weak. He felt nauseous; he was trapped. The almighty God was standing behind him and there was no escape! With no other option available he hesitantly stood up, took one more deep breath, braced himself and slowly turned around to meet his maker. (continue reading)

(Working title) God’s grammar by Mick Mooney

Introduction:

He woke up from a deep sleep; a strange sleep. The wind was bellowing outside. He was confused. Did God really just speak to him? Did God really just correct him? He was sure it was God, after all, who else could it have been? But it really is rather peculiar for God to correct someone in their sleep, isn’t it? Perhaps if God had have corrected him due to his poor moral behaviour, his lack of faith, his selfish attitude or his wasted life it wouldn’t have seemed so bizarre, but this was different; it was a different kind of correction.

Did God really just correct him on his grammar?

Sam took his time getting out of bed. He looked momentarily disoriented, like a beggar awoken by the hustle and bustle of the morning traffic. He looked scruffy. He looked worn-out. He was worn-out. After everything he had been through. After all the disappointments, all the tragedies, all the let downs; just when he was ready to give up altogether, God showed up.

He sat on the side of his bed, shook his head ever so slowly, like an old drunk trying to avoid the pain of a thumping hangover. He searched for his slippers and contemplated his next move. He wanted to scream like a violent madman, he wanted to swear like a trooper, he wanted to trash his room or punch the wall. In the end, he simply shuffled his way to the bathroom.

What in the world is the present perfect tense anyway? Why on earth would God ask him that question? Of all the things they could have talked about, God chose to discuss grammar!

He sat at the kitchen table. He was already onto his second coffee for the morning. Strong, black, two sugars. He tried to recall his dream. How did the conversation start? He wasn’t sure. It was like meeting your favourite celebrity. You may have watched all their movies, read all their interviews, listened to all their songs and even had their picture on your wall, but in reality you really don’t know them at all.

The only thing he could remember was God wanted to talk about grammar. It would be an embarrassing conversation to have with anyone. To be truthful, Sam didn’t even know the difference between a noun and a verb, let alone the present simple and present perfect tenses! What on earth is an adverb or an adjective anyway? What are conditionals and relative clauses?  In fact, who really cares!

Well, God, it seems.  (continue reading)