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My tears are beautiful.They’re beautiful because they are connected to my heart, and when I cry I realise my heart is alive, with me on my journey. I don’t desire tragedy. I take no interest in any kind of pain. I hope, like all of us, that misfortune passes by my household. However, if it does arrive upon my doorstep, I’m glad I’ll have my tears to accompany me. I’m glad my heart has been softened by the love of God enough to do more than acknowledge the facts; it can feel the situation.
Throughout the years of my successful accession to my glorified position as a Senior Pastor, I lost sight of the necessity of a soft heart. In fact, I thought having a hard heart was actually a strength. Of course I never would have used the word ‘hard’ to describe my heart. I would word it more along the lines of ‘well protected,’ but upon reflection I can confess that I believed a hard heart, with the ability discard people at a moment’s notice, was of great value to my ministry and leadership position. People were around my life constantly, but they weren’t in my heart. My heart was the exclusive sanctuary of something that had to be protected at all costs: My vision.
How sad a man I truly was. It was a sadness my wife knew about for years, but the hardness of my own heart stopped me from realizing it for so long. I’m an emotional man these days. I’m not afraid to let people see my weaknesses, my challenges, my questions – my sadness. I’m also not afraid to be filled with joy and outrageous hope. I’m a roller-coster, big highs and big lows, but I’m happy because I’m finally being honest to myself. Back in my days as a career clergy man I was more like the never changing church mascot. Always the same. Always well kept. Always smiling. Always inspiring. Just like my vision, I was perfect as much as I was lifeless. All that time I held my vision tightly, nursing it, protecting it, and allowing the walls of my heart to turn into a concrete fortress, all entry points securely locked in order to protect the vision inside. For so long, my great ministry vision was the only thing I cared deeply for. That’s why I was so lonely, because no matter how much I loved my vision, it couldn’t love me back.
What I’ve come to realize while journeying down this honest road is that my heart wasn’t designed to hold lifeless things; it was designed by its Creator to hold other hearts. God has given me the blessed opportunity to collect the hearts of others around me, as many as I’m willing to receive, and store them in my own heart. I’ve learned that my heart is a place of refuge. It is designed to keep its doors open. Trying to protect my own religious vision caused my heart to become so hard and calloused it no longer functioned as God intended it to. It wasn’t until I allowed my relationships with other people to make their home in my heart that I began to realize what it meant to have a soft heart that was fully alive. It was only then I could cry for others, and only then did I develop friendships that allowed others to cry for me.
My tears are beautiful, because no matter how sad the situation that caused them may be, they remind me my heart is soft enough to feel. To care. To love.
“No matter how much I loved my vision, it couldn’t love me back” so so true…this hit me like a Mac Truck…
Blessings and Love Bro
P.S. The Comics make me laugh and the Novel makes me “Laugh-Cry” keep it up!!!
Thanks Joshua, glad your enjoying my writing/comics. Hope to add more to the novel soon. So stay tuned
“I’ve learned that my heart is a place of refuge. It is designed to keep its doors open. Trying to protect my own religious vision caused my heart to become so hard and calloused it no longer functioned as God intended it to.” –> Wow, Mick, you just described what I was living under after years of cultivating institutionalism and religion. I’m now discovering more and more that Jesus didn’t come to start a new religion. Jesus came to undermine, in the human spirit, that which cries out for religion (i.e. fear, shame, and guilt). #freedomfromreligion : )
Wow, this was amazing….beautiful. I wonder how many pastors or other ministers would love to find the freedom that you have. I have spent most of my 52 years despising and fearing weakness. These words are so liberating!!
I thank you so much for your wonderful writing…..I have trouble getting my thoughts on paper so I sincerely appreciate those who do it well. I look forward to reading more!
Patty Weber
I like this statement Mick: “I’m a roller-coster, big highs and big lows, but I’m happy because I’m finally being honest to myself.” This was affirming today. It was like a testimony to the “normal” Christian walk (ha….) My laughter stems from my own question as to: what is “normal”?
Honesty leads to Life Himself. Again, I love your heartfelt honesty here….
That is such an encouraging word….to be sad. This description of a pastor’s experience reminds me of a certain pastor person that found himself in the grips of his protective walls from feeling any more pain and to keep confessing…with a hurting smile…everything is ok. Obviously you don’t have to be a pastor to slip into an emotionally neutralizing existence. In some cases, it is more blessed to cry than to smile a hurting smile and appear as the strong one….
Yes, it’s quite a revelation to realise it takes more faith to be weak than it does to be strong.
I’ll be updating this online novel a few times a week. Feel free to share your thoughts, reflections and feedback on what you’ve read, as it really does help me in the creative writing process. Thanks.
Just read all sections of searching for grace. I find that is close to where I am at now. I question all that I once believed to be true and found most of it is not the truth, and it is very humbling to be in this place. Thank you for your story it has helped me a lot.